1. effyfurrow:

    nointerrruption:

    I’M ACTUALLY A REALLY NICE PERSON IM JUST USED TO BEING WALKED ALL OVER AND DISRESPECTED SO SOMETIMES I COME OFF AS MEAN BUT I JUST CANT LET PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME AND I HAD TO GROW UP REALLY FAST OK BUT I PROMISE I HAVE A GOOD HEART AND GOOD INTENTIONS AND I DONT WANT TO EVER HURT PEOPLE’S FEELINGS BUT SOMETIMES I JSUT HAVE TO HAVE THE UPPER HAND AND MAKE SURE I DONT GET HURT IM SORR YI LOVE EVERYONE

    SOMEBODY FUCKING SAID IT 

    (Source: okaywork, via fake-mermaid)

     
  2. hermionejg:

    fishingboatproceeds:

    ohcurtains:

    ofgeography:

    so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

    here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

    disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

    sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

    so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

    here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

    • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

    so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

    EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

    • you have to pay for pay per view.

    so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

    • AS A FAMILY.

    and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

    "i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

    as a reminder, a quick table survey:

    • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
    • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
    • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
    • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

    silence.

    my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

    silence.

    my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

    my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

    • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

    "don’t expose my kid to that crap."

    • DON’T
    • EXPOSE
    • MY KID
    • TO THAT CRAP

    "if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

    • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
    • IN THE LIVING ROOM

    but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

    • are you fucking kidding
    • i did not want to go to porn prison

    the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

    • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
    • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
    • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

    but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

    • are you fucking kidding
    • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

    what an amazing story

    Wow.

    Someone get this lady a book deal because I want to read Tolstoy length books by her.

    (Source: bellecs, via stand)

     

  3. unclefather:

    me as a parent: *gives my kids this book*

    image

    (via sorry)

     

  4. "Your real first love will make you realize that your first love wasn’t really your first love."
     

  5. hotboyproblems:

    there is literally under 3 months until 2015 and that makes me really scared because all i have done is watch t.v shows the whole time

    (via bastille)

     
  6. (Source: cyberho)

     

  7. sitcorn:

    "yeah, everything’s fine, i just tucked your kid into bed. but can i cover up the clown statue in the corner? it’s freaking me out"

    "what? we dont have a kid. take our clown statue and get out of the house right now"

    (via stand)

     
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  10. s-un-rise:

    as we grow older, we are taught to put homework first, always. we are taught to set aside our interests to complete busy work. we are taught to indulge in time fillers, rather than doing what we really want. and so then, once in a blue moon, when we happen to have a day of no work, we don’t know what to do with ourselves. we forget what it means to be spontaneous; we learn to sit at a desk and focus. and I think that’s a shame

    (via pornstarwars)